I'm having one of those... YEARS (not days, lol!) where I feel like I just want everything to STOP. So that I can take a breather and just ponder... and wonder and let everything soak all in... Because I'm not used to doing so much and yet I always feel as if I'm not doing enough!!!....I have a lot of feelings that I am not living up to my maximum potential... from my social circle, to the way I dress, to my hair, to my body, to my career.... and it's so hard to be driven when you don't have anyone pushing you because you aren't really conditioned to be a motivated go-getter anyway.... but it's what I want!
So what do I do?? I'm going to have to dig deep and find it within myself....
I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing to be hungry for more all the time... that's a blessing to have a natural motivator... but I'm not cultivating that life inside of me at all...
The troubling thing that I do is I let my mouth and my feet get in my own way!! I'm tired of my own self!! Of feeling like I can't continue on this road to progression because I don't know how to go with the flow and to let things happen as they will. I feel like I'm going to get somewhere and then when I get there, lights, camera, action, nothing good will come out, I'll just under-perform in some way because I'm allowing myself to be so overwhelmed!! Because I can't get comfortable in my own skin, because I know there's more out there for me that I need to be doing!!!!
I always put my foot in my mouth, let my tongue get in the way... say or do something, that just throws everything off!!! I've been told many times that I'm outspoken and I used to be proud of it, but I've learned that not only do you speak with your mouth, but with body language too... & trust that I will let you know what it is in a minute!! And the weird thing is that I RUN from having to talk in front of people! I HATE when people stare at me, I don't care if it's a good-looking man either, I get soooo self-conscious and irritated... like I don't like being admired! Knowing I do!!!
(Sigh)
I just really need to work on that about myself... maybe I should take some acting classes??? I have to overcome this because I just know that my career will require me to do this at a moderate level at the least. I know it. I am majoring in Sociology, which is a Behavioral Science on groups of people, because I think that this field needs more recognition, and I could DEFINITELY benefit from it, lol! (Hey, at least I can laugh at myself!)
So... any suggestions y'all?? Any aspiring psychologists out there who have come across something interesting? how about a friend that acts something like me? =)
Lol.. No, seriously, I'm just feeling really alone and sad because once again the most intriguing and beautiful person I know, who I share a very fragile relationship with (though not exactly at the moment) is giving me the silent treatment and telling me to leave him alone because once again I've let my frustrations and emotions get in the way of what was otherwise, a loving and growing relationship...
The problem is... I think that he has the same problem as me... and my youngest brother is in the same boat with us... not being able to properly communicate how we feel.. doing things that say otherwise, even though we do care and we do empathize ...they just don't realize it yet.....
At this point though, I'm pretty much ready to give up on trying to build romantically with said person, but I do want to keep the friendship together if I can...
But I'm like why me? Why do I have to be a contradiction to my own self sometimes??
I'm trying not to make this blog so personal or sound like a cry baby or like I'm losing it, because it isn't any of that, it's just that.... why does life have to be so HARD?
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