Tuesday, September 30, 2008


You know... I've never had so many feelings of joy, feelings of shame and ridicule... of just pure HURT from ANYONE the way that I had it yesterday!!
I put myself in a position for said person to talk SO reckless to me.... to tell me things that hurt my heart and even my soul SO badly I can't believe I'm able to express this right now without breaking into tears....

I tried to make things right with someone who had no intentions of forgiving me. Months ago I made a silly move from insecurity. Then I confessed. Silly Silly Silly Me.... I have been putting myself through hell since then, for the majority of this year, everything happend around Feb/Mar...

Th end of '07 and beginning of '08 was tasting so sweet... I just knew this year was going to be all of that.. and then all of a sudden those old feelings of being taken for granted and not receiving what I was putting into the relationship rose again. Am I too emotional? I told myself no, you're not trippin', and so this time I did me.... and went a bit further than I usually do. We had issues similar to this before. We got over them (I guess) and eventually things faded over time, we lost touch... I expressed my dislikes before I did what I did then, but I wasn't convinced even afterwards, looking back. I should've just left him alone.

But then he found me. On MySpace. I didn't even do MySpace but something was telling me to get a page.... I really should've just kept doing me and kept it friendly. Especially since I haven't got anywhere, I have made NO progress since then. What a shame. Our relationship would go up and then it would go right back down. I felt like he didn't like me as a person. Like I was so fucked up for treating someone who had shown me more love than my own damn father.... like I did. But I didn't feel like he did enough. I wasn't receiving as much as I thought I should have. And I still don't. So things fell apart.

I hate him now. I found out so many things that I didn't want to kow that were way worse than what I've ever even thought about! And my mind wanders!!

.....What's funny is that we're very similar. I get where he's coming from... I couldn't ever trust him again after what I "thought" was going on when we were in Germany and then what I found out to be true recently. SO why should I want him to do those things for me?

Because I'm worth it goddamnit.

And if this person won't ever see me the same without some sort of divine intervention, then so be it. I refuse to keep going through the ringer.

I have too many other things that I have to do. Goodbye You.

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